To Father's Everywhere... YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT

As Father's Day came to a close this evening, I felt a need to write something from my heart , something special in reflection, in honor of all the wonderful Father's out there; I wanted you to know just how important you truly are just in case you did not hear that this weekend.

When I think of my dad, I will always cherish his amazing voice, bellowing laugh and great smile... I love holding his rough, calloused carpenter's hands and the smell of sawdust that seems to seep from his skin is still one of my favorite aroma's.

The joy I find in serving others with my talents comes from watching him for years and even to this day share his talents, always building things for free or at a fraction of the cost, just because he loves what he does or how he loves strumming on his guitar and sharing his love for music.
Our relationship may not be perfect, and there may be things I wish we had that I know we may never have, but no matter what, I Love my Dad and celebrated that today by sharing these thoughts with him. 

It's certainly a man's world; larger salaries for the same credentials, more credit for career accomplishments and men certainly hold the long end of the stick when it comes to the process of creating and bringing a child into this world; so yes... Mom's get most of the credit when it comes to birthing and rearing a child for that reason. As a single mom of 4, I can say with or without a husband, career or no career, the role of a mom/wife is a tough one, but I am also a female who truly appreciates a good father when she sees one; I will be the first to say that good father's need more praise and credit.

Females accept the responsibility and assume the role of motherhood when they have a child; like it or not, it's just what we do. Although it does happen, it is rare to hear of a Mom abandoning her children, yet you see children without fathers every day because a man can simply cut ties and walk away. They choose to assume the role and play a part or not... it's just how it is and men bail frequently or simply exist in the lives of their kids but never give to their kids what a father should.

It takes a lot to be a good father; a man who makes a child does not always earn the title. Simply put, not all men possess the "natural instinct" of being a father, while others claim it, realize the responsibility of it, absorb it, bask in it, enjoy it and do what it takes to raise that child as best that they can. A father's role is one of the most important in a child' s life, for without it... a child is left with many open cracks. The voids in a child's life when that Father figure is not there to give the love, support, discipline and encouragement that is needed are forever... voids that no matter how strong of a person their mom is, she simply cannot fill. Children without a strong father in their lives have vastly different stories than the ones that did.

So Dad's... listen up!
If you are present in your child's life, if you spend quality time with your kids, guide them morally, ethically and faithfully, show your love for them daily no matter how near or far you may be, then I praise you for an awesome job... seeing what you do for your kids truly brings a tear to my eye. Since my kids don't have that relationship with their dad, it's very special and precious to me. If you are a dad who merely exists in the lives of your children, not truly accepting the important role that you hold in your hard working hands, or if you are absent only seeing your kids when the divorce papers say you can... PLEASE, call them every day to say goodnight, swallow your manly pride and forget about your feelings; it's not about you, it's not about her, it's about THEM. Write them a letter to let them know that you miss them, don't forget to call them, email or text them on their birthday's or holidays that you don't have them, make them a priority and show interest in their life so they don't feel forgotten... they will never forget that emptiness and will grow up with voids that are impossible to fill if you don't do what you need to do.

Mom's... listen up!
If you have a husband or a father to your kids that is present in their lives, praise them, appreciate them for all that they do, give them credit and do it often; you are SO BLESSED. Many of you have no clue what it's like to be on this side of the fence. If you are divorced, make SURE they are playing a role in that child's life if they choose to do so... so many men walk away from the responsibility and just "send a check". Using your children as pawn's may be hurting the ex, but you are hurting your kids more, I promise. Be thankful for the dad who wants to be a father.

Children Without a "Father"... 
I know what it is like to see pictures, read people's stories or posts about amazing relationships with their dad's on a day like this and get a little sad inside for one reason or another. It's sucks, but just know that you are not alone, know that your Heavenly Father will never fail you and loves you unconditionally. Don't let anger, resentment or disconnect ruin you... you ARE special and worthy of love.

Children with a great Father...
Know that you are blessed and NEVER EVER take them for granted.

I hope all of you men out there that have earned the title had a terrific Fathers's Day... for the rest. Work on earning that title for next year's celebration of you!

Until next time... 

xoxo

Shells

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Parenting the Teens of Today

It's been a couple of weeks since my last blog... and if you are an avid reader, you know that I HATE when I am not able to sit down and write; you also know that what this typically means is that life has been busy, or it has thrown me a wrench and it was necessary to re-prioritize my time. Unfortunately sometimes when that is what life calls for, the blog has to wait.

Over the last few weeks, I have had both personal and "teenage"matters to deal with and through it all I must admit I have found myself heavy-hearted and in a complete funk; something I am not used to being in. I have hurdles all of the time but I typically push right through them after maybe a day of funky-town; not this time, it had me down. I am happy to finally be on the upside of my personal issues... but am sorry to say that my teen is still struggling with hers. Luckily, I have my mental strength back and can now lend it to her.

When I was a teen, life was challenging, hurtful and not very fun for me. Sometimes when I look back, I wonder how I made it through. However, the way times have changed, things are so much worse for these newer generations; life is no longer simple in any way for them even when things are going good. My daughter Baleigh is a beautiful, bright, 13 year old young lady who was an advocate-pioneer type last year. She walked with her head held high, had tons of friends and graced the halls with the stride of a leader. Academically, she was an average "creative" student but by the end of the year her grades were suffering greatly and her self-esteem and pride slowly began to fade. We had some problems and difference of opinion regarding a very broken and troubled boy that had shown interest in her who also happened to show interest in a dozen other girls.... without details, I will share that the year did not end well.

At the beginning of this 7th grade year, I had a different child. The Vice Principal who has become a good friend over the last year saw the change in her as well, so we discussed it. That strong, proud, leader we knew had become mentally unrecognizable. I have been working with the school staff through all of this over the past several months; we joined arms like an army trying to save a country... and nothing was working. We talked with her, tried to get to the bottom of it all and failed to find the answers we were looking for. I was lost for answers and continued to struggle at home.... our relationship seemed nothing more than a battleground most of the time, almost everything was uphill and it truly broke my frustrated heart. These were the teenage years you hear of... the ones I hoped to never experience, the ones that my oldest daughter Cierra, now 22 had only mildly prepared me for. 

I am sparing the details for the sake of my daughter... but let me STRESS that you must hold them close at this age, you MUST snoop around their rooms, read what they are writing, look at the pictures on their phones, read their texts from time to time... and even check their emails once in a while. We live in a VERY different world and it is completely uncensored unless YOU sensor it. Their minds are bombarded with things that they don't understand and they are too afraid to come to us to ask; did YOU ask your parents about things at that age? No... and neither will they. Instead they ask friends who know nothing more than they do, or they Google it, or look it up on You tube. Do you KNOW what's out there?  People are unknowingly allowing the internet to raise their children because getting them out of our hair makes life easier.

Do you KNOW the stress that the education system puts on the shoulders of our children now? It is insane; even the teachers think so. It makes me want to bring all my kids home and school them myself. In this crazy fast forwarded world that puts everything out there, while knowledge that is ten times harder is being forced into their heads at lightning speed, what they are not learning is how to deal and cope with this information overload and inside many kids are simply falling apart. They are seeking their own ways to cope and when you find out how they are doing that you will be blown away, saddened and downright frightened. I thank GOD for allowing me to notice a change in my daughter despite my increasingly busy career... no matter how busy I am, I still notice my children, their behaviors, their actions and address them. I am also thankful that my oldest is back in Florida to help me snoop, because without her I may not have found out what I did, simply because I dread stepping foot into the unorganized disaster of a teenager's room.

In the eyes of most people I am REALLY old fashioned. My daughter no longer has a "smart phone" because I simply do not feel that she had enough self control or maturity to hold that much temptation in the palm of her hand. She does have a phone where she can reach me and I can reach her, that does not take pictures and I take it away every time she breaks the rules and abuses privilege of having it (which is 85% of the time) I limit television time, I don't have cable... but have Roku so I can monitor what they watch, our internet is screened, and I don't allow them to go to friend's homes that I don't know. I DO encourage them to go outside, to run around and play... to use their child-like imaginations and play games like Yahtzee. I encourage them to draw, paint, and play hide and seek because kids should be kids, they need to be silly and carefree. When they fall down, I tell them to get up and brush it off, I kiss the boo boo and let them know that they are okay. I don't helicopter parent or give them everything they want because they need to know the value of saving up for something, how to deal with life's disappointments, and know it has curve balls.The most important yet often the most heart wrenching thing that I do is hold them accountable for their behavior even when I would rather throw my hands in the air and give up; they must have consequences. Parenting is the most exhausting of all my careers but I am responsible for these cute little people and I honestly take it as seriously as I do my business. Not sure if that is good or bad, but it is me.

As I withdrew my daughter from her creative arts charter school yesterday, I knew it was the best decision due to the issue at hand regardless of the tears that rolled down her face and mine... I also realize that we have a long road ahead and it will likely get harder before it gets easier. but I won't give up. For those of you who pray... keep us in yours and for the rest of you ... toss out some positive vibes for a teen that I know can change the world.

The moral of the story I shared...

Life is full of storms... the hurdles are inevitable, sometimes they show up and smack you down without warning; adversity does not discriminate. There will be times when you will not understand why or how, when you have no answers and no energy left. Remember, the mountain is there to climb... all the beauty and victorious feelings are felt and seen at the top, so DON'T give up... do not allow that to even be an option. Hard work and perseverance will be worth it in ALL that you do; but falling down and staying down yields no rewards.

Until next time...

xoxo

Shells

                                                   

                                                                               

                                                          

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Follies and Freak outs....the First Day of School...

Well... if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that my life will always keep me on my toes, and because of that I stay mentally prepared for anything. What I am quickly realizing is that I should mentally prepare my kids for anything too. The kids had their first day of school yesterday, it was middle school for my daughter Baleigh and her anxiety levels were off the charts. Tears rolled as I tucked her into bed Monday night and I did my best to let her know EVERYTHING would be fine because that is my job. She is attending a school of the arts magnet school this year; a publicly-funded themed specialty school out of our district that students must apply for and be accepted into in order to attend. Being the creative-artsy-dramatic kid she is, it is the PERFECT school for her and Baleigh could not be more excited to have this opportunity. With it however, comes a LONG day and at least 4 hours of that day is on a bus. Just to put things into perspective of why, she catches a bus in our neighborhood which then takes her to a "transfer station" where she gets on another bus that ultimately takes her to school.

Here is the story of her first day.

Yesterday morning I woke Baleigh at 5:00 am so we can be out the door by 5:40 to catch the first bus. She is SO scared that she is going to miss the bus, get on the wrong bus, not know which bus to transfer to, and I... being the optimistic mom that I am assure her it will all be okay. We hit the doorway at 5:40 and drive to the bus stop at the front of our development. We sit.. and wait and we are the only ones there for quite a while. Then finally other kids arrive., and we wait.......... Finally the bus arrives about 20 minutes behind schedule (normal for the first day) and I wait to see if all the kids get on the bus... they do so I tell her to go ahead, wish her a good day and tell her once again that she will be fine. She leaves, I go home and start corralling the other two out of bed. My cell phone rings about 20 minutes later, it's Baleigh and she sounds frantic, I internally freak for a moment thinking something terrible has happened; she is breathing heavy and her words are all jumbled. She finally calms down long enough to say "Mom, I am on the wrong bus. This bus is going to HIGH SCHOOL." my nerves calmed knowing that she was safe and I tell her it will be okay. She is flipping out on the other end full of fear and worry... I asked her to stay on the phone with me until the bus stopped and to let me know when it stopped. She says... "Okay we are stopped" I say... "go tell the bus driver you are on the wrong bus and that I need to talk to them." He gets on the phone and I explain what happened and he says that she can stay on his route with him and that he will be sure she gets to school but that it will be late. I get back on the phone with her and tell her how lucky she is to have the extra time to wake up and assure her all is well now. I hang up and continue to get the other two ready to catch their bus.

Over the next several hours Baleigh is flooding me with text messages that literally have me doubled over in laughter. She is describing her bus experience play by play... staying connected to me via text was probably her way of calming fragile little nerves. She begins describing kids on the bus, saying she feels like a shrimp because they are all high school kids, telling me how she is hearing the "f" word and was shocked at two girls kissing. I had a "moment" and thought to myself that my sweet daughter is growing up and she is going to begin experiencing "the real world" and I have to make sure she is mentally ready.

She finally got to school at 10:00, 4 hours after she got on the bus and because of first day delays... she arrived home 2½ hours late at 7:00 pm. We greeted her with hot and ready pizza rolls and cookies and cream ice cream (VERY rare things in my house.) She spent 8 hours on a hot school bus yesterday no bathroom and ran out of snacks and water, but despite all of the craziness, she was smiling about her day and said it went really good. She quickly shared she was going to eat, shower and go to straight to bed. She was mentally and physically drained... WHAT a first day!

Even though she was not supposed to have the "home" cell phone with her due to my rules, I am VERY happy that she disobeyed and had it with her. She has now pleaded her case that she needs to take it every day for emergencies. I have agreed as long as she stops taking pictures of the "weird" kids on the school bus. (yes... she had a gallery of photos to show me.) I will anxiously await her first butt kicking. I am happy to announce she got on the right bus today but had her phone JUST IN CASE.

The lesson I want you to take from this blog is this....

No matter how much we think we should tell our kids that nothing will go wrong, that everything will be okay... there is no guarantee on that and it's actually a lie. Instead, we should prepare them mentally for when things DON'T go right so they don't fall apart and let them know that staying calm is the best thing to do in emergency situations. Below is her first thread of texts to me. I explained that love is not always between a boy and a girl and that "gay girls" are good people too. However, I chuckled as I realized that she is headed for the reality ride of her life!

XOXO

~Shells~

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Raising Independent, Confident, Fearless Kids

As expected, this week has kicked off with Facebook and other social media sites being flooded with all of the "first day of school" pictures. I find it fun, comical and even interesting to see the pictures and read the comments from each parent this time of year. Some parents are doing the happy dance, some are crying tears of joy, some are frazzled, others are in disbelief and then you have those that are genuinely sad... feeling lost when their kids go to school because it makes their stay-at-home life seem too empty. Despite the whirlwind of emotions going on, one thing that links us ALL together is the feeling of how quickly time flies when you are a parent. Time that once seemed to stand still suddenly travels at light speed and before we know it we are sending our kids across the stage with a cap and gown. (I know, I have been there.) Being a mother of 4 children; Cierra 21, Baleigh 11, Zane almost 5 and Abrielle almost 4, I still have 3 more opportunities to experience the swiftness of human life during these 13 years of school life. Sometimes it seems as though they were just born, and other times it feels as though it has been forever since I smelled that "baby smell" on their skin... that natural scent which they possess at birth that you become addicted to and never want to go away; although it slowly does, and one day it is replaced with body odor (middle school just wait!) Sorry... I was getting too sappy and did not want to make you cry... quick wit to the rescue.

Seriously though, time does fly and they do grow up REALLY fast and we are responsible for the type of adult they become (to an extent) What I have tried to do with all of mine is force upon them independence, confidence and I teach them to be fearless. I feel that with those three traits you can accomplish ANYTHING in life. So many parents today enable poor behavior, create spoiled brats, make their kids paranoid and do not teach them what they need to know to survive... some of the parents don't even know how to survive themselves, but instead of learning they unintentionally breed dependent individuals that have a hard time making it on their own in the real world. That REALLY bugs me, so behold... my wheels turn. 

I remember the first time I heard the term "helicopter parent", I chuckled because I have met them... some of them are my friends and although I love them wholeheartedly, I do not agree with what they do. I keep my thoughts to myself unless they ask my opinion on how to raise kids, then I simply share my philosophy. I guess when I sit back and think about it, being a single career mom did my kids some good after all. I have not always had time to play with them every second, leaving them to occupy themselves. I did not always have the money to get them everything they wanted or take them to all the places they wanted to go, so they don't expect it and when I am able to do something extra it's a real treat! I do however work hard in order to provide them their needs. They have always lived in a nice, clean home in a good neighborhood,  they wear nice clothes that I bought on sale racks because paying retail was not within the budget and it's stupid to do that anyway, and I almost always read them a bedtime story or sing them a bedtime song unless I am out of town or sick. (at least until they are 8 or so when they say it's weird) My kids have watched me do all of these things over and over again. So... What are the learned behaviors in all of that? Work hard, make needs your priority, having a nice clean home is important, always live within your means, and be sure to make time for bedtime stories and lullaby's. Simple, concise and valuable.

As I was talking to my son today who will be starting kindergarten tomorrow, I told him that I would take him to school on his first day and walk him to class. He says... "Mom, I would like to ride the bus on my first day of school." I said to him... "Are you sure? You do not even know where your classroom is because we had to miss your open house."  and he replied... "It's okay Mom, I will just ask someone where to go."  I was left with a feeling of pride... and thought, YEP, he is definitely my kid. HA-HA Although I could force him to get in my car so I can hold his hand all the way to class, I have to say that I am proud of him and quite confident that he will be fine. Therefore, I am going to grant his independent wish and strap a lanyard to his neck so they can direct him to class tomorrow... his very first day of kindergarten. I am also proud that he found it important to be on the "special bus" with his little sister, because as he so sweetly stated... "I really love her and want to ride with her on her bus."  Now, if I could only help relieve my 11 year old's Middle School anxiety a bit more I would be content!

As you see your kids off to school this year, ask yourself what behaviors they are learning from you. Are you teaching them what they need to know in order to survive in the real world without you? As much as we don't want to admit it... we won't always be there for them so there is no better time to start than NOW. If you are not sure how to survive yourself? Well... there are books, blogs (ahem) and resources that can hold your hand all the way to class.

Now go create awesome kids that will turn into responsible adults. Set the right examples and teach them what's REALLY important in life. Enough is enough with all this modern hooplah! Get out the "Leave It to Beaver" archives and introduce some of that back into our world! 

Have an awesome week!

xoxo

~Shells~

You Can Raise Terrific Kids Too!

Two times this week I had complete strangers compliment me on the way I deal with my children. It surprised me since there are so many times that I feel like I am a not the best parent; all of us feel that way from time to time don't we? Being a career mom causes these feelings more often than not because you are constantly torn between work and home. Do you take that freelance job and give up going to a school play? Or do you sacrifice the income to be there for your child? It's a tough call; one that I HATE having to make. It was nice getting complimented on my children... one was a comment on how well and patiently I explained something to my son (must have caught me on a good day, ha!) and the other was a comment on how amazingly positive and heartfelt my children are becoming because of the example I set. It touched me so deeply that it brought a tear to my eye allowing me to feel that I do okay after all... and of course it led me to writing this inspirational blog post.

I have worn many hats over the years, some were easy, some were hard, but I can honestly say that the "parent hat" is by far the most challenging, difficult, yet rewarding one of all. It's one thing to be responsible for your own actions, but the weight of feeling the responsibility of actions other than your own can be so intense; it's HUGE! (now multiply this times 4 and you have my scenario) As you know, (if you follow my blog) I have 4 beautiful children. My oldest who will be 21 next month (funny... because I am only 26) is in Colorado living out her dreams and making me prouder than proud, I have my strong-willed, artsy, creative 11 year old daughter, a blooming 4 year old boy and a precious little ball of smiles; I know that RAISING KIDS IS HARD! I also know that it's not rocket science. (mainly because if it was I would be failing miserable because I STINK at rocket science!)

I could go on and on... and on on this topic happily staying on my soap box all day long, but lucky for you my fingers are tired from a long day of tapping on keys while trying to change the world... so I am going to break down how to raise terrific kids in a top 10 list Letterman style, here it goes...

Top 10 things I feel it takes to raise terrific kids 

10. Show them love even when you are mad at them

9.Teach them that it's NOT about getting what THEY want, but about what they can do for others.

8. Teach them to set goals, and guide them through the planning process of achieving them. Teach them  never to give up until they can cross those goals off their list., even if they die trying to reach them.

7. Show RESPECT... give respect immediately, "earning" respect should only apply to people who have done something to lose it.

6. Teach them that to get what you want you have to WORK hard.

5. Realize NOTHING is free, handouts do NOT exist... (even if they do teach them they don't, trust me on this one!)

4. Even though you WANT to be their friend, you HAVE to be their parent.

3. Instead of saying "that's wrong" "that's not right" or "that's not how"... say "try again" ,"let me show you what to do" or "let's Google that!"

2. Teach them that it's OKAY TO LOSE! (winners MUST lose to appreciate a victory)

and the #1 thing you can do to raise terrific kids?........






1. DO ALL OF THESE THINGS YOURSELF!


Look, we are all human, we all make mistakes, but we need to share some of the stories of our ghastly mistakes with our kids instead of hiding those skeletons in the closet. It helps them relate to us better... if we "keep it real" then we show them that we are human... not just some alien species called parents that are here to ruin their lives and laugh about it. I did this with my oldest when all else was failing and that light bulb burned SO BRIGHT after that it could have guided a million ships through a Tsunami. It was a pivotal moment in my "teen rearing" and I will use it again on Baleigh (praying with crossed fingers and toes that it works the second time around as well as the first.)

Single mom's get a bad rap... we are often beat up and made out to be "poor,  pathetic, women" who are all alone raising disrespectful, latch key kids that will follow the same path we did. I am here to say that just like anything else... if a single mom's mission is to raise terrific kids, she is TOUGH enough, STRONG enough and most of all ABLE enough to GET IT DONE RIGHT!

I can only hope that ALL my kids learn from not only my examples but from my mistakes and apply it to their lives so theirs may be better. I am a survivor, I have had to tell them NO when every other parent was saying yes just to shut their kids whining pie hole. I teach my kids that if their pie-hole is whining then even if I COULD get them what they wanted, they just ruined that opportunity by whining. I love them to bits and they know this no matter what, and THAT is what is most important.

Have a phenomenal weekend!

xoxo

~Shells

My terrific kids (in no special order)

My Amazing Brie

Cierra (aka MINI-ME)

"ZANER"