I certainly did not see myself here at this point in life. 41 years old seems an age when things should be settled and content. I pictured it very different than it is... but life has a way of surprising you; mine more often than not. Three steps forward... two steps back; are the way things go while others seem to run marathons around me. Life is not always what it seems... "theirs" isn't either and I must keep that in my mind and sight.
It is hard, I must admit to scroll through social media, seeing photos and posts of anniversaries, engagements, weddings and traditional families with a mom, dad, and kids doing things that families do in the summertime. Attending backyard cookouts, going on vacations... the togetherness, the commitment that I've never really had; at least not in the way it was meant to be... a married, committed couple raising a family together. I have 4 beautiful children who I feel have missed out on that beauty and although I give them all I can, I will share with you tonight that there are many moments when I can't help but feel their voids.
As a parent, you want to give your kiddos everything they need, so it pains me when I simply can't. My daughters have never been to a daddy/daughter dance nor can I offer my son dude time fishing or playing ball. This is something that so many women take for granted and rarely realize how lucky they are. I look at photos and read posts and think "What did I do wrong? What did I miss?" I know my kids will be okay, but I must teach them what "family" is supposed to look like. I need to teach my daughters how to be a good wife and my son how to be a good husband; it's a challenge when you are flying solo.
What I have to constantly swallow is that my choices led me here; that is the hard lesson I am supposed to share tonight. It is what God put on my heart as I prayed for a blog topic. It's a harsh reality that our choices DO matter and we will always have to live with them. Although it is hard to admit our mistakes, when we do, we open ourselves up to forgiveness of ourselves... forgiveness of others and are able to move on the best we know how.
There are two messages that I want to get across in this post, one is, know that your life is exactly where it is supposed to be right now... even if it is uncertain, even if it sucks... even if it makes no sense at all. Clarity will come if you keep your eyes open and your heart warm. The second is to say PLEASE appreciate your partner or spouse for all that they do. So many people on the outside looking in wish they had what you do. When you take someone worth while for granted there is an injustice to their hearts and their future once the relationship falls apart... and trust me, it will. This kind of pain runs deep and scars you to the core.
For a faithful person like myself... God has removed many of my pains of the past, however once in a while I still feel voids and sadness, so tonight I will pray that once again He takes these feelings away. I am not alone... and neither are you. Even in the lonely times we have someone looking after our hearts, our lives and our future. When you can put trust in that, these moments will only be mere moments; not a lifetime, and the blessings will rise to the top.
Be thankful, be thoughtful and realize all that you are blessed with and know that you will continue to be blessed if your faith continues to grow.
Until next time... be faithful
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