Monday, June 22, 2015

To Father's Everywhere... YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT

As Father's Day came to a close this evening, I felt a need to write something from my heart , something special in reflection, in honor of all the wonderful Father's out there; I wanted you to know just how important you truly are just in case you did not hear that this weekend.

When I think of my dad, I will always cherish his amazing voice, bellowing laugh and great smile... I love holding his rough, calloused carpenter's hands and the smell of sawdust that seems to seep from his skin is still one of my favorite aroma's.
The joy I find in serving others with my talents comes from watching him for years and even to this day share his talents, always building things for free or at a fraction of the cost, just because he loves what he does or how he loves strumming on his guitar and sharing his love for music.
Our relationship may not be perfect, and there may be things I wish we had that I know we may never have, but no matter what, I Love my Dad and celebrated that today by sharing these thoughts with him. 

It's certainly a man's world; larger salaries for the same credentials, more credit for career accomplishments and men certainly hold the long end of the stick when it comes to the process of creating and bringing a child into this world; so yes... Mom's get most of the credit when it comes to birthing and rearing a child for that reason. As a single mom of 4, I can say with or without a husband, career or no career, the role of a mom/wife is a tough one, but I am also a female who truly appreciates a good father when she sees one; I will be the first to say that good father's need more praise and credit.

Females accept the responsibility and assume the role of motherhood when they have a child; like it or not, it's just what we do. Although it does happen, it is rare to hear of a Mom abandoning her children, yet you see children without fathers every day because a man can simply cut ties and walk away. They choose to assume the role and play a part or not... it's just how it is and men bail frequently or simply exist in the lives of their kids but never give to their kids what a father should.

It takes a lot to be a good father; a man who makes a child does not always earn the title. Simply put, not all men possess the "natural instinct" of being a father, while others claim it, realize the responsibility of it, absorb it, bask in it, enjoy it and do what it takes to raise that child as best that they can. A father's role is one of the most important in a child' s life, for without it... a child is left with many open cracks. The voids in a child's life when that Father figure is not there to give the love, support, discipline and encouragement that is needed are forever... voids that no matter how strong of a person their mom is, she simply cannot fill. Children without a strong father in their lives have vastly different stories than the ones that did.

So Dad's... listen up!
If you are present in your child's life, if you spend quality time with your kids, guide them morally, ethically and faithfully, show your love for them daily no matter how near or far you may be, then I praise you for an awesome job... seeing what you do for your kids truly brings a tear to my eye. Since my kids don't have that relationship with their dad, it's very special and precious to me. If you are a dad who merely exists in the lives of your children, not truly accepting the important role that you hold in your hard working hands, or if you are absent only seeing your kids when the divorce papers say you can... PLEASE, call them every day to say goodnight, swallow your manly pride and forget about your feelings; it's not about you, it's not about her, it's about THEM. Write them a letter to let them know that you miss them, don't forget to call them, email or text them on their birthday's or holidays that you don't have them, make them a priority and show interest in their life so they don't feel forgotten... they will never forget that emptiness and will grow up with voids that are impossible to fill if you don't do what you need to do.

Mom's... listen up!
If you have a husband or a father to your kids that is present in their lives, praise them, appreciate them for all that they do, give them credit and do it often; you are SO BLESSED. Many of you have no clue what it's like to be on this side of the fence. If you are divorced, make SURE they are playing a role in that child's life if they choose to do so... so many men walk away from the responsibility and just "send a check". Using your children as pawn's may be hurting the ex, but you are hurting your kids more, I promise. Be thankful for the dad who wants to be a father.

Children Without a "Father"... 
I know what it is like to see pictures, read people's stories or posts about amazing relationships with their dad's on a day like this and get a little sad inside for one reason or another. It's sucks, but just know that you are not alone, know that your Heavenly Father will never fail you and loves you unconditionally. Don't let anger, resentment or disconnect ruin you... you ARE special and worthy of love.

Children with a great Father...
Know that you are blessed and NEVER EVER take them for granted.

I hope all of you men out there that have earned the title had a terrific Fathers's Day... for the rest. Work on earning that title for next year's celebration of you!

Until next time... 

xoxo

Shells





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Tuesday, June 9, 2015

What to do When You Really Like Someone You've Just Met...

I come across people every single day who have a desire to become strong leaders, incredible bosses, recognized managers, stellar employees, best friends, or someone's partner for life.... yet wonder why things are not the way they should be. It is often very obvious to me why they are not successful in their endeavor after just a few observations or a conversation in which I ask a few simple, yet meaningful questions. It is with those discoveries that I can guide and coach that person into having a better outcome. Over the years, watching my advice actually work has been pretty exciting.

 I remember years ago, when I was a young spunky hairdresser, aka "hair-a-pist", I had a young male client who was telling me about this girl he met who he was totally "in love" with. He explained that although things started off really well, they suddenly seemed to be going stale and he was really worried; he asked for my advice. So... being the amazing relationship expert that I was at 26 years old (haha! NOT!) I decided to ask him a few questions, then really listened and analyzed his reply to each one. To my recollection, it went down kind of like this....

1. What made you feel that things were going "really well"?

His reply: We talked at least twice a day on the phone and saw each other 4-5 times a week. It was incredible, we had so much in common.

2. Did this happen from day one or did it develop over time?

His reply: It happened from day 1, we were so into each other that we could not get enough.

3. What was the first thing that happened exactly to make you realize a change?

His reply: After about three  months of constantly seeing each other, and learning everything about each other, I called her one night to see if she wanted to go out and she said she did not feel well. I asked her if I could bring her anything... she said no. She seemed really short and did not want to talk which was really weird.

4. How long ago was that and what makes you feel like things are going stale now?

His reply: Well, since that night which was about a week ago, we have not seen each other and she never answers her phone. I call her a few times a day and get nothing. I finally got a message from her saying that she felt we needed to slow down.. that she needed time. So what do I do???

Now... here is where I had the realization of exactly what happened.

"Too much time too soon leaves Jack broken-hearted and Jill uninterested." 

This rule goes both ways. There is a balance that must happen in a budding romance... it is the balance of excitement and reservation. Most people, regardless of realizing it or not, need a little game of cat and mouse. Now... I am not one to condone altering who you are... in fact I am ALL for being 100% of who you are 100% of the time... just not necessarily all at once, if that makes sense.

In a brand new possible relationship, key word "possible";  meaning it has not yet been decided that you are in one, you must maintain some control over your excitement as well as telling that person EVERYTHING about you on the first few dates if you want it to have a chance of lasting. You must also realize that part of maintaining that interest is the art of gradually getting to know the person.

Let's think of a new relationship interest like opening a present....

Think of  Christmas morning... you tear into a present really fast, it is exciting, but then you get kind of bummed now that the present has been revealed so quickly... the excitement is over, you lose interest after a minute or two and it leaves you wanting more. So, what do you do? That's right, you start looking for another present under the tree.

So... what could you have done differently?

You could have enjoyed every moment and every facet of thought that went into that gift if you had just SLOWED DOWN the process of revealing it. You could have stared at it for a few moments, admiring the pretty paper and the care that went into the wrapping, then as you slowly opened it... you could have imagined what was going to be inside and even stopped for a minute half way through to build the anticipation and excitement of the reveal. You then reveal the box... and hold it close, perhaps shake it to take a guess what is inside, and again... the excitement builds. Finally, as you S-L-O-W-L-Y open the box you peek under the lid and realize there is still tissue to tear away. HOW EXCITING! Now... you are overcome with anticipation as you tear into the final layer. And now.... when the gift is revealed you are overcome with joy, it is perfect.... simply incredible and you now will cherish this gift forever and probably remember the day you got it and how exciting it was to reveal the gift itself.


Budding relationships are the same way 

When this client of mine asked me for relationship advice so many years ago, I wasn't an expert, but what I had learned at that point after having one divorce under my belt and several short-lived dating spells, was that there WAS an art to building a relationship, to keeping someone's interest, and part of that was to not allow the gifts to be revealed so quickly. They called it "courting" back in the day, today ... we just call it taking your time getting to know someone and not sleeping with them on the first date. If you give them all you have in the first month, what will they have to look forward to? The chances of them getting bored because the excitement is over are high and they will end up looking for another present. You must learn to build the anticipation for both of you, because getting to know one another on a deeper level slowly but surely will make your heart and mind go crazy... that is what you want.

So, are wondering what I told him to do?

She asked for time... so I told him, "give it to her". He was a little freaked out by that and shared that he was afraid that he would lose her, I told him if he did, she wasn't meant to be. I told him to stop calling her... to stop giving her the attention she was used to and that if it was gone and she missed it, that she would call him. I told him that if she did call him, to not answer but allow it to go to voicemail and then call her back later on that same day so that she would know he wasn't waiting by the phone... (even though he totally was). I told him that if she asked to get together to do something... to say no once in a while and plan things with friends so that she would know that his life did not revolve around her (even though it did.) He was a very sweet guy and was doing some pretty amazing things for this girl, he had a big heart and he needed to be sure she deserved it so she would not break it.

I am very happy to say that this was a success story. He did EXACTLY what I said... (I held him accountable) and she missed him. She started calling and he did not answer. She realized what she had once it was gone. They ended up getting back together and actually got engaged to be married about 6 months later married... I swear that is the God' s honest truth. It was pretty magical.

I am happy to say that all these years later, at 41 years old, I finally learned to take a lot of my own advice that I have given out for years and things are looking up for me as well.

You are a gift to someone... every single layer of who you are is a gift and you should allow yourself to be opened slowly; everything in life is the same way. There are many facets to a person, to an experience, to life itself and if you stop rushing everything; (remember tearing everything open so quickly ends the excitement) it can truly have a beautiful and likely VERY happy ending.


Start opening your gifts one layer at a time and see what happens!


Until next time... 

xoxo

Shells





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Monday, June 1, 2015

Become What You Cannot See

Sometimes I wonder how we come out of childhood level headed and not completely confused. Perhaps we aren't level headed or clear on reality actually; maybe THAT is the problem and also the reason why we so often end up disappointed in life.

We are somewhat brainwashed from an early age... it starts with fairy tales that declare every prince will find his princess and that all it takes to live happily ever after...  is a kiss and a fancy castle. We are lied to about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Unicorns and Pots of Gold.... What? I looked for them, didn't you?  Oh... well, now you know I was that weird kid who chased rainbows... metaphorically speaking, I suppose still chase them.

 THEN... if that were not enough to mess us up for life, confuse our morals and kill our dreams...

 We were taught things like....

"WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET"


 I must strongly disagree this as truth in today's world, in fact, I don't think it has ever been the majority ruling if we can be honest.

Think about it....if what you see is supposed to be what you get, then why is it that so often people deceive and pretend to be what they are not? Why do people struggle so hard to be themselves day to day? Why do others have expectations set so high that you feel you have to pretend in the first place? After all, being true to who you are is the most freeing privilege you can allow yourself.  I know this, because I am in that place. A few years ago when I "found myself" again, I realized also in that time why I had lost myself to begin with. It was in that realization that I learned more about myself than I ever had. It made me also realize how many others were doing the same things I had because I was living it.

Fake body parts, padded undergarments, Botox injections, designer clothing, expensive purses, fancy cars... there is nothing really wrong with nice things or looking your best, but why has this become what defines us instead of simply WHO WE ARE? Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we could just say... what you see is what you get and be done?

How many times have you caught yourself thinking or perhaps even saying... "I don't know who I am anymore" ? Yep... me too. A thousand times throughout my life I have spoken those words or thought that thought. So what can we do to change that? Well... we must

LEARN TO LIVE THE PRINCIPAL...

"WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET" 

We must  simply stop being fake and start being real. We must become what we cannot see, we must force others to look beyond the surface and fall in love with who we are; what makes us tick.

Don't be ashamed of your past, don't hide your present, LIVE in it... and never, EVER fear your future. I can testify that your own personal story of all three stages will inspire someone. Be proud of who you are, how you got to where you are and by all means, claim where you intend to go. Know that every mistake, hiccup, shortfall and bad decision, made you who you are. These things are what makes you real, relatable and inspiring. Allow these things to help make your life a mission with purpose, a journey you can embrace at every turn. We are all here to make a difference, some of us ignore that calling and some of us simply do whatever we can to spread  the messages that we all need to know and practice in order to live an abundant and happy life.

Today, and every day... I encourage you to work on finding yourself if that person is lost. Define who you are, claim it, be proud of that person and begin again. It's never too late to claim what was once yours. Allow yourself the freedom of just being you and stop caring about what everyone else thinks; that's how you got lost in the first place.

I PROMISE you that it is in this stage of life that EVERYTHING that you ever wanted will begin to happen, the people who will be in your life forever will show up and make themselves known... and because you are here, you will notice them. The fairy tale life you always wanted will become your reality.

"When you stop resisting what is naturally supposed to happen, 
a happier life will begin to fall into place." 
© Shelley Giard 2010

Until next time... 

xoxo

Shells





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