The First Step To Being Happy is YOU

For several years, all I wanted was to be happy...I was very broken, felt unloved and extremely unimportant. Part of that feeling came from the lack of ever having a loving relationship and lots of disappointment and the other part came from the fact that like many people, I was fooled into thinking happiness was only defined by having a loving relationship, a fancy house, an expensive car and money to buy all the things I wanted. I would look at people around me who seemed happy and they had loving marriages, were dressed in the best clothes, and had lots of "things". They were taking fabulous family vacations, giving elaborate birthday parties and their Christmas's were like the ones you see on TV commercials with extravagant trees, beautiful decorations and loads of gifts. 

I often felt like a failure with all of this around me, and always wondered why it was not my life. I worked very hard, had so much love to give and yet here I was a single mom who had been divorced twice that struggled to give my kids all of the things that I wanted to give them no matter how many hours I worked because I was doing everything alone for quite some time. We rarely had the money to go on big shopping sprees for back to school like I did when I was younger and I always felt bad for that. We never took a family vacation because I was afraid to take the time off of work. When you are self employed and take time off there is no paycheck waiting for you when you get home so I always allowed that fear to stop me from doing it. Seeing happiness around me made me really sad and I had a hard time being happy for other people who had what I wanted.

Then one day after reading a passage in one of my self improvement books I realized a truth... a fact that changed my life. That fact was that the first step to being happy was loving yourself. I had a self realization moment that very second. My whole life flashed before me and in the end I concluded that I was not happy with who I was at all. I had low self esteem and very little self worth because I allowed things from my past to haunt me. There were decisions I had made that left me feeling unworthy of love and success and because of this I was unconsciously manifesting a life of unhappiness and struggle. I was unknowingly punishing myself for all of my mistakes.

The most amazing moment in all of this was realizing that I was in control of my happiness... that all of the "things" that I thought would bring me the happiness I desired had nothing to do with it at all. That began my path to all that I had ever wanted; a path that I am still traveling Slowly, but surely my attitude began to change. I started learning how to love myself despite all of my mistakes, faults and imperfections and decided that spiritually I was perfect.... a perfect disaster maybe, but I learned to be proud of all that I had done wrong, all that had happened and I started to move on from it all. It was then that I was living in the lowest point of my life and it is also when I decided I would share my story with the world... I wrote my first book.

I began to love who I saw in the mirror and thought that perhaps one day, a special someone would come into my life and appreciate me for who I truly was and what I had gone through in my life. I found happiness in finally knowing and accepting who I was. I no longer hid all the ugly things from my past pretending to be perfect, I became proud of them because it had formed who I was and who I would eventually become. 

Even though I still hope for love and acceptance from someone that I can share my life with, I love and accept myself... and that is the most important thing you can do when looking for happiness. God loves us with all of our imperfections and if He does, so should we. Love yourself like He does and life just gets better.

Something else that happens when you learn to love yourself... you begin to love and accept others for who THEY are... your heart truly changes and when you look at someone, you look at their imperfections and mistakes with admiration, understanding and compassion. When you have accepted your own faults and imperfections you simply begin to judge others less. The most freeing thing was when I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and instead began caring what I thought of me. We will never make everyone else happy, someone will always disagree with our actions, choices and lifestyle but we CAN make ourselves happy; trust me, that is a much easier task. When you realize that happiness is a choice, it's an easy choice to make; it takes no arm twisting. 

So....you have two choices in life. You can get swallowed up with all that is now or you can begin to imagine and glorify all that can be. I ask....which will you choose? 


Have a wonderful Monday... and a wonderful week. Pass this one along, I am sure many people out there need to love themselves a little more, and we ALL need to find happiness.

Until next time...

xoxo

Shells

                                                   

                               

                                                          

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A little Holiday Cheer

Happy Tuesday! I am sorry for the delayed blog post; busy season is among us and I am like a chicken with my head cut off this time of year. (Losing a week did not help!) Now, I am not sure what or even if you celebrate this time of year, but the simple fact that you clicked this link tells me that you may need some holiday cheer, (whoa unintentional rhyme) Anyway... my goal is to deliver that something special that you may need.



If you like sunshine, then Florida is definitely the place to be during Christmas. Even after living here for nearly 15 years, I still find it REALLY hard to get into the holiday spirit wearing tank tops and flip flops. In fact, when I saw this weather map on Facebook I laughed out loud and could not help but wish that I could simply wear a fluffy sweater and snow boots this year. (I suppose I could but would likely die of heat exhaustion, not to mention look a bit strange.) So... I will live vicariously through those who post pictures of  beautiful snow covered trees, icicles and snowmen and allow it to bring me back to when I was just a little girl in Massachusetts.

 My holidays were surrounded by the seasons, I loved jumping in piles of raked leaves in the fall, but winter was my favorite season of all. The barren trees were always covered in that glistening white magic and the calm quiet of winter was always so peaceful. One of my favorite things was the way the light hit the snow on a moonlit night outside the huge front windows of the A-frame tudor home that my dad built; I could see the lawn from my room because it was the loft which faced that window.We always had a fire going during this time of year and because of that, I still love the smell of a wood burning fireplace. I loved popping popcorn over the fire in an old fashioned popper (Little house on the Prairie style) while Mom and Dad sang Christmas songs like O Holy Night I to the strums of his guitar. That is how I remember my childhood Christmases, they were awesome and the memories of those times are something I hold very dear. I had hoped that I would give those kind of memories to my kids however felt as if I had failed to do that in this season-less state, until my beautiful daughter Baleigh reminded me that I was wrong.




This year, we decided to get a huge real tree, and because real trees are a little more challenging to hang heavy ornaments on, I decided to just do a "show tree" and not my traditional tree with all the "special" ornaments. I whipped it together thinking nothing of it even though I had initially thought we would do what we always do and decorate it together. It just seemed to be the "easiest" thing to do considering time was of the essence and it was hard to tell them where to stuff raffia. On Sunday, Baleigh and I went to church and on our way back she asked, "Mom, when are we going to decorate the tree?" I explained that I decided to do a themed tree this year and that it was already done, still thinking nothing of it. Until... she got quiet and when I looked over I saw tears forming in her eyes.

When I asked her what was wrong, she tried to say that her allergies were bothering her... (man, that kid is just like me!) but because of this I knew that she was not being truthful.After several minutes I finally managed to pull out of her that she loved decorating the tree and putting all those special ornaments on that I have collected over the years; she honestly could hardly stop the tears from falling.

It was in that moment that I realized that despite the fact that I feel I was unable to create special holiday traditions in this ridiculous heat... for her, the time we took remembering the moments when we made these ornaments together... and how amazing it always is to pull them out year after year realizing how quickly time really does fly. My heart was warmed and I was so proud of her. So in honor of our Christmas tradition, next week when my oldest daughter Cierra comes home, we will re-decorate the tree. Me and all my little munchkins... the ones who give me so much joy and so many smiles because THAT is what truly means the most and we will do it while wearing tank tops and flip flops!

XOXO

~Shells~

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Tonight's Inspiring Topic Is... FAMILY

Twelve hour days make me tired... but not too tired to deliver on a promise to my readers and that was a promise to blog tonight. Granted, I knew today would be long, but not twelve hours long; so when I made that promise I had no idea I would be this exhausted. Hopefully I will make sense... and be able to find an inspiring notion to talk about tonight. As you may have figured out by now with my incessant babbling it hasn't hit me yet, but if I just keep typing it will come to me... I know it will. (just bare with me and grab some coffee or something just in case) HA! Just kidding (sort of)

Luckily I have an APP for that (moments like this when I need a second brain) Tonight I will rely on my trusty notepad app on my cell phone for the topics that fly into my head when I am driving, or sleeping or doing nothing.... so thanks to my previous brainstorming tonight's topic will be... (drum-roll please)

MENDING FAMILY BRIDGES

In my many years of being a stylist and having people vent in my chair, I have come to realize how lucky I am to have such a close family. Although there are miles between us we still manage to keep in touch, talk every chance we get and of course Facebook and Skype has made day to day keeping up with one another VERY accessible. The greatest thing is, we all get along and have never really had any big spats or dramatic situations that have affected our love for one another or kept us from connecting. This holds true with immediate family, aunts, uncles, and even cousins. I had no idea how truly rare that was.

I have heard such sad stories of family bridges being burned... stories of sisters and brothers who don't speak... mothers and fathers who through divorce have never spoken again leaving this weird awkward wedge between their children who can't "pick a side" and even stories of children who do not speak to one or both of their parents. When I hear these stories I always think the same thing... what in the world would I do without my family? The answer to that is simply something I can't even comprehend, life just would not be life without my family; my family means everything to me and I know I mean the world to them too. Perhaps we hold each other so close because we know what it is like to lose an immediate family member. Teresa was killed at 16 and it was a horribly awakening event that made us all realize that it only takes one moment to change your life forever.

My mom and Dad even many, many years after divorce still remain friends. My mother was friendly with both my step-moms one of which recently passed away, and my mother's sisters and brothers were there for my dad the day of her service. (my parent's divorced in 1989) It is rare, but the core of my family is truly untouchable, and I am a better person because of that.

I realize that things happen, we get our toes stepped on when a family member is honest when we wanted  them to say what we "wanted" to hear... people argue over who is going to get material possessions when a parent dies, parents and children fight over how to raise the grand children, or how to live life "their way". There are alcoholics, drug users, cheaters, thieves and liars... but despite ALL of those things there are ways to mend those family bridges. People find it's harder to mend a strained relationship with a family member than other types of relationships because when it is "family" it cuts deeper. We are taught that family is always there... that blood is thicker than water, so when we feel betrayed or hurt by family the wound stays open allowing resentment and sore feelings to set in, and of course our stubborn nature of "I am not apologizing first." I have seen divorced parents bash the other parent in front of kids and because of that a child grows up holding the same grudge against the other parent... when it's not even their own resentful feeling; that one REALLY gets to me. With that, I will share a story I heard once and finish it off with a word of advice.

The saddest story I think I have ever heard was the story of a young boy being raised by his very bitter mother. She and the father had divorced when the boy was very young and because of her ill feelings against the father she moved she and her son away from the city where he lived. As the young boy grew up he began asking questions about his father and the mother would always say things like, "your father cares nothing about you, he is a horrible man who left us and I don't want to put you through the pain of ever having him reject you." The boy would cry with confusion and grew up longing for his father's affection and although he wanted to find him, he did not even know his name. It came time for the boy to graduate high school and once again he asked his mom if she would help him find his dad only to get the same song and dance "your father would not come if I invited him, and I don't want to put you through that pain." The boy graduated without his father there. He went off to college and met a girl that he would later marry and before his wedding day he again asked his mom about finding his father and she once again rejected his request to "protect" him from pain. He married his love and had a child, his child grew up, graduated high school and college and his father was absent through all of it. When the boy was 50 years old, his mother died and as he was going through her things... he found his fathers name and a picture tucked away in an old box. He immediately started the search and found he had a sister. He contacted her and was overjoyed! They met for lunch and he asked her if she would tell him where his dad was. She gently held his hand and said, "dad passed away last year but he looked for you until the day he died."

The irony I found in this story is that this boy went through years of pain without his father because his mother wanted to save him from "pain"... it was HER pain that she was protecting, not her son's. Think about that one for a minute.

A word of advice to anyone reading this who is estranged from a family member or who can relate to the story above... you can never get those years back. Sometimes we have to suck up our own selfish feelings and love unconditionally because THAT is what family does. My father is an alcoholic, and I love him no less, my brothers do things that annoy me, but I love them all the same. My mother CERTAINLY gives me advice that I don't always want... but she is usually right and tells me what I NEED to hear out of love. I may have had issues with my two ex husbands but I respect the fact that my children need a relationship with their dads and encourage that relationship despite my own negative feelings. It's what FAMILY is about and if you don't know what it's like to have family, maybe it is time to be the one with the bigger kahunas and start mending those bridges, because despite how dis-functional many of them are; at some point we all need our family.

Goodnight everyone! Over and OUT!

xoxo

~Shells~