There is a tremendous energy pouring out into my words tonight. As I slid on my headphones, cued up my instrumental music and closed my eyes to pray over the delivery of my message to you, an unexpected tear rolled down my face and I wasn't quite sure if it was a happy tear or just a powerful little moment of reflection. It has been quite a week, a roller coaster of emotions as many thoughts have been swirling around in my head. This is not to say that this isn't a usual occurrence for me, but this week has been a little more intense than normal; dramatic change will do that for you.
This message is going to speak loudly to someone, maybe it's you... maybe it is someone that you know that you'll share it with... all I know is that my intuitive energy is saying that THIS is going to be an important post for someone who reads it.
REFLECTION
The other night as I lay awake in bed reflecting on things past, present and the hopes for a beautiful future, I thought about the many years that I did not like who I was as a person. I found myself recalling the actions and experiences that made me the person I had a hard time looking at. I did all I could to pretend that I was someone else to gain acceptance from those around me. As years went on, I hid my anger, frustrations, shame, sadness, and emptiness from everyone; there was a lot of it. I used to stare in the mirror and wonder who I really was, I felt as though I had actually lost myself somewhere along the way.
It wasn't until years later, I realized that it wasn't that I had lost who I was... It was that I had never really figured out WHO I actually was simply because the time was never spent getting to know the real ME. I was too busy submerged in the circumstances, and experiences trying to fake it, trying to be who everyone else expected me to be. I had not yet defined who I truly wanted to be and how I could become that person. It was even later still that I realized I was actually responsible for creating what others saw in me; it was with that discovery that everything began to change. My actions, my priorities, visions of my future; I shudder at the thought of where I once was, how far I have come and all that I have and continue to learn about myself in the process.
PERCEPTION
We all perceive ourselves as this "person" and when we look at our reflection in the mirror we see that "person" staring back at us. Have you ever thought about the fact that YOU have only seen your reflection? You have NEVER and never will be able to see yourself as others see you... it's basically impossible. Let that soak in for a minute. Close your eyes after reading this sentence and think about what you feel when you stare at yourself in the mirror.... what do you see?
AVOIDANCE
Now... do you like that person or do you avoid staring at your reflection because you are filled with feelings of regret, shame, guilt, or disgust? Do you fail to see the beauty because all you see are flaws? Do you see only mistakes, bad choices, or the pain that you and others around you have caused? Do you see wrinkles, tired eyes and a solemn face, or is there still a smile? What you avoid multiplies... what you face, gets resolved. What are you scared to face? What are you avoiding?
DISBELIEF
How many times has someone told you that you look like a celebrity and you found it surprising? How about when someone sees a quality in you or compliments you on something that almost makes you feel uncomfortable or comes across as ingenuine because you simply cannot see it yourself?People are not crazy... they just have the unique ability to see in us what we often cannot see ourselves. Maybe it's time to start believing they are right and accepting it as truth; that is the hard part. Even harder is accepting these things when you can't even look at yourself in the mirror. Have you taken the time to define who you are, to really get to know YOU and create who you want everyone else to see?
EPITAPH
I often think of my epitaph... and what I want it to be. After years of figuring out what makes me tick, through self discovery and reflection, I sometimes think of what others will say about me when I am gone. It's not that I care if people like me or not, but rather the legacy I will leave behind. When you think of things in this perspective, something may click inside of you like it did me.
People around us die every single day and although all are missed initially, the ones whose absence is felt by many for long periods of time are those that took the time to develop a reflection to be proud of; to create a life of significance that touched the hearts and lives of others deeply; THAT is who I want to be so that my existence matters, so that I make a difference in someone's life while I am here, even if they only knew me for a moment. I want to be proud of myself even if nobody else is. THAT is what matters to me. I want to use every single gift God gave me to do good; one of the reasons you are reading this blog right now was me wanting to take my trials and failures and share them with you. There is nothing wrong with, but everything wrong with not enjoying your own reflection or in these days of social media... enjoying your"selfie".
I catch myself looking at people's self portraits on social media and find that they often tell a story. Some tell a story of triumph while others tell a story of tragedy. Some people are crying out while others are shouting to the rooftops that THEY LIKE WHO THEY ARE! (and well, then some are just plain narcissistic.)
A SPIRITUAL TWIST
What does God see? How does He perceive us? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Perhaps you have avoided God altogether because of your own inability to look at that person in the glass. Maybe you are telling yourself that you are faithful while still doubting your worthiness. That used to be me. I had made so many mistakes, and was so ashamed of myself and my decisions and failures. I felt alone, angry and empty. It wasn't until I learned that God sees us all in light, in glory that He gave to us, that our imperfections are what gives Him a reason to step in and perfect us. We are all seeds of perfection waiting to be watered and bathed in the sun of His grace if we can just BELIEVE that we are worth it. That is the life He wants for you, and in reality, it's the life we want for ourselves. CLAIM IT!!!!
YOU ARE WORTH IT
You are forgiven. Ask and you shall receive, but you have to TAKE what is given to you. We are all molded by experience, all of us shaped through shame and failure. Some of us accept these things and find our way through hope and grace while others continue to drown in the cold and emptiness falling back right where God wanted to pick us up from. Reach for His hand... it is outstretched and waiting for you to grab hold..
GROWTH
My words were not always so faithful, in fact as the past few years brought on more confusing trials and pain, my faith grew substantially, and I grew so much as a person. Sometimes I feel that with every stage of growth I am set farther and farther apart from everyone around me, and that reality can feel pretty lonely. It is hard to connect with people when they can't seem to connect with where you are in life. In these times I pray, and ask for the right people to fall into my path and have faith that one day I will be fulfilled... I know that day will come.
MOMENT OF TRUTH
I encourage you today to stare at your reflection... for longer than a minute, truly look deeply into it and decide what you need to change, face what you have been avoiding and give YOURSELF your all. Begin to see what others see, by simply believing it as truth. For me... that meant facing some harsh realities. What others saw was an egotistical know it all who thought she was better than everyone else, and men saw me as someone who was vulnerable and easy to fool into "love", because I lacked it, even for myself. Kind of funny how contrary that was to who I saw when I looked in that mirror. The person I saw was a broken soul, in need of saving. I was trying to prove myself to the world because my self esteem was so low I felt I was proof of nothing. I drank to drown my shame, had no self worth and gave what value I did have away to anyone who would give me attention and make me feel loved, but it wasn't true... it was false and this left me insecure, lonely and empty.
When I faced what others saw and decided that was NOT how I wanted my story written, not the person I wanted to be known as, I changed. When will you change? Are you ready for something different?
Until next time....
PURSUE WHAT YOU HOPE FOR; LEAVE BEHIND WHAT YOU WISH TO FORGET....
xoxo
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