Sunday, October 13, 2013

Finding Balance

Tonight as I sit at these keys, SO many things are bottled up in my head. I have had an incredible yet very busy 7 days. My mind and body have yet to slow down or catch up to each other for that matter. Tonight, I am struggling a bit... kind of a battle of the mind and I figured what better way to sort it out than to talk about it in a blog. Sometimes clearing it out of my head onto paper, or in this case the screen... helps me gain a clearer picture of how to solve my struggles and once they are solved I always move forward with better intent. So excuse me while I publicly clear my head; AHEM...

Balance... although one would argue this, I really felt like I had balance in my life. I balance my hairstylist career with my freelance makeup/hair/wardrobe career which I then balance with my inspirational writing/speaking career while being a single (but attached) mother of 4 kids; 3 of whom are still home. Um, yes... I have a child old enough to be living away from home.. she's 21, (cough cough cough) I had her when I was 12 ;)  Anyway... what I thought and felt was that I had balance; and in many ways I still feel that I do. However yesterday afternoon when I dropped my son off to stay the night with my Mom after only being home for two days... after being gone on a 5-day business trip, reality set in. As he sat in the back seat of my mom's car, he had this sad little look on his face that I had to address. I walked around to his door, opened it up and sat beside him. I asked... "Why do you look so sad?" To which he said, "I'm okay." I then said "Mommy isn't trying to get rid of you you know", Tears came to his eyes. BINGO! It literally took everything I had not to choke up. I then said, "Mommy wants to hang out with you SO bad, but I have to work tomorrow and I wanted you to have fun instead of being bored that's all, okay?" He looked at me with those sad little eyes and smiled while trying not to cry. I kissed him on the cheek gave him a hug and moments later they drove off. Needless to say, I cried on the way home.

 Being self- employed for 20 years of my life, I have always run the rat race... I have had to say no to things that were important to me in order to make a living to feed, cloth and support my family. Now, I have finally reached a point where I have more flexibility. I can be home most days when they get home from school, I can cook dinner and help them with homework and even read bedtime stories. The irony is that my career is also finally developing into all that I have worked for... everything I had ever asked for. I am on the verge of gathering the crops that I have spent SO many years planting and cultivating... but since I am not quite there, I still have to say no to things I would rather say yes to, and sometimes it's really hard.

As my 40th birthday quickly approaches, I find myself evaluating where I am, where I had hoped to be at this age and where I want to be in the next five years. I already know many of those answers... but what I also know now is that somewhere in it all, I need to realize that I am no longer that rat on the wheel... I can slow down, stop and rest and perhaps enjoy some of the fruits of my labor. It's hard...because I always seem to be in survival mode. Call it OCD, call it being a work-a-holic, call it single mom syndrome; quite appropriately you could call it all three; but whatever the case may be, I intend to find more balance in this next year. I am going to promise myself to say no when I can, say yes only when I should and never take a single moment for granted.

Many people follow my career and life through social media as well as this blog, and from the outside looking in it seems all glamorous and spectacular. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do, but what I want you to know is that I often sit back looking at what you may think are simple and boring status updates, pictures of you an your kids having fun, pictures of date nights and vacations with your family, husbands, wives or significant others and think... "wow that must be nice."

XOXO
~Shells~ 

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