Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Pain and Hurt Within

"How weird is that", I thought, as I opened up my blog page tonight to write a tribute to Joan Rivers, not realizing that the last blog post I wrote was the day the news released that Robin Williams had committed suicide. Two people from similar worlds... caught up in making us laugh hysterically as they suffered deep down inside cracking jokes to hide the pain.

Although Joan died of medical complications, and lived out 81 years of life... like Williams, she had deep rooted emotional pain and feelings that prove that no human is immune. When I first heard the news of her death I was really sad that the world lost another legend of laughter... despite her crude and uncensored comic relief, she was no doubt one of the REAL people of the world who just said what she thought  (and what everyone else thought but wouldn't say) even when she was cracking on her own insecurities.

The first time I heard Joan talk about her "small breasts" in a stand up act I related and knew that she was cracking jokes on herself because of an insecurity that she had about her own body. My assumption is that she was likely made fun of  by someone other than herself at some point in her life and this was her coping mechanism. Why do I say that?  Well, in all honesty I failed gym my 9th grade year for not dressing out because of that very same insecurity. I always hated my"athletic thighs" and flat chest, I didn't feel soft and feminine like everyone else and girls used to cackle and poke fun saying I should  have been the president of the " itty bitty titty committee ". When you are surrounded by blossoming young women hoping to blossom and graduate from your "slingshot" bra it's  a lonely place. Chances are if I could have Googled "how to grow breasts" back then, I would have spent countless hours doing so and would have drowned my upper body in every home remedy possible to make them grow just so I could fit in. I even had a short run with Anorexic tendencies to try and lose the muscle I had. Joan suffered from Bulimia because she struggled with weight her whole life...  another common denominator. Why do we do this to ourselves? Or should the question be why do so many of us focus our eyes on the outside so much more than the substance within that truly counts? It happens with both men and women;  nice guys finish last right?

Betrayal, hurt, pain and insecurity can devastate a person internally and it is obvious that comedy can be a coping mechanism. As I attempted to go to bed late Thursday night when I was exhausted and could not shut my brain off, I decided to watch a few comedy acts of Joan's and I saw right through her smile. As I giggled in memory of her, I Googled for more stopping at a controversial video... an interview with a reporter where Joan furiously walked off the set. I applauded her for it... this moron of a reporter brought Joan on to passive aggressively attack her integrity to humiliate her on air. My blood boiled as I watched it and my heart sank with sadness knowing the anger that Joan displayed  as she walked off set was actually  a display of hurt feelings and betrayal; I knew that feeling all too well. Searching once again I came across another interview I had never seem of Joan with a psychologist and was drawn in instantly by the title. At 1:00 in the morning, I sat engrossed for the next hour as Joan told her story and realized some things about myself as she shared.

In the end, I took more away than what was intended and because of that I will say as I always do.... don't be afraid to tell your stories, they may inspire or help someone else. Above all, work on overcoming your insecurities.

I am happy to say I am no longer insecure about my body... I love what God gave me and wear every inch with pride. I never gave in and got that boob job I always contemplated because I allowed myself to fall in love with who I was. I am so happy that I take the time to read books on how to repair what I know is broken within me and that I always found an outlet writing my inner feelings onto paper just to relieve the pain inside... I guess writing is my "comic relief". Tonight I will take what I discovered about myself through watching that hour long interview and sprint towards the solution to something I have never been able to get beyond or understand for I now have clarity and know where it came from. Thank you Joan Rivers for speaking to my heart on the day you left us behind.  May you forever rest in peace and perhaps fall in love with who you are in the after life as we did with you when you were here.





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