Friday, August 24, 2012

False Insecurity Sabotage

It happens all of the time, in relationships, friendships and just in general. We create false insecurities and doubt through assumptions we devise when we compare current situations to past experience. No matter how much we try to bury the emotions from bad experiences of our past, inevitably there will be things that happen to stir them up again at some point in our lives. Maybe you had a bad experience with flying, which leaves you afraid to fly again. Perhaps you were cheated on by someone and even though you did not recognize the signs then; now you automatically assume that a person is cheating on you when something feels "familiar" or maybe you were once fired from a job and the vibe that surrounded that seems to be present again in your new job making you fearful of being fired.

It's a common human trait which I am guilty of and I am sure that you are too. The question is this... do we create situations, scenarios, arguments and breakups with false insecurity sabotage? I think a lot of times, we do. We keep ourselves from experiencing happiness and accepting things for what they are instead of what we think they might be or what they will become. We automatically assume the worst instead of expecting the best. So, how do you change that? I am learning this myself, but what seems to be working is checking myself. In other words, when I begin to compare, assume, or suspect I stop... and say to myself; "is this what is REALLY happening or are you feeling deja vu?" I give myself a moment to sincerely answer that question and if I am feeling insecure or fearful due to an experience I had in my past I stop and decide what it is I need to do to change what I am feeling.

In my current relationship, I have found myself feeling this way a few times just because something happened that vaguely reminded me of a past relationship. I would automatically start concocting stories in my head of what is going on. When this occurred my blood pressure probably went up as I began making crazy assumptions and instead of talking about what I was feeling with my partner, I would be quiet allowing things to fester until it finally came to a point I had to address it. At times I would fester for days causing myself grief that was unnecessary and in the end I would feel so silly. I have come to the conclusion that talking about things is not the first reaction for two reasons; one is the feeling that I am being stupid for thinking what I am thinking and if I just let it go I will get over it, and the second reason is being fearful that I am right.

When you have been burned in the past, you build walls to try and "protect" yourself from ever feeling that way again; but when you make a new friend, enter a new relationship or start a new job you get excited and eventually become vulnerable. Vulnerability causes you to lose some control over emotions, and this is where it all happens. There is good and bad in everything but allowing yourself to become vulnerable can open up doors to a great life. It helps you stay open minded about things, and although it can initially make you feel uneasy it is necessary to grow. I hate feeling vulnerable because every time I have been crushed, I was in a vulnerable state; I let my guard down and trusted someone or a situation that should not have been trusted. Although it pains me to think of these times in my life, the experiences have certainly helped me evolve.

Do yourself a favor, open up your heart; collapse a wall or two for the good of your future. What one situation or person brought to your life does not predict what someone else will do. Every situation is unique, just as every person is and in order to experience what is meant for us, we must believe in ourselves, our relationships, our careers and the future of it all.