It was April Fool's day 2009, I was at my newly opened hair studio ready to take on the day. I had not been feeling well for a few days... a bit out of sorts, "perhaps a stomach bug" I thought. I had a 6 month old son, two older daughters at home and a marriage that was falling apart. I had decided to end my marriage and was doing what I had to do to prepare... one of those things was to open my own studio again. I had been managing someone else's salon part time after moving into a different county and needed to make more money because I would no longer have a stay-at-home dad around once I made this move. I had just opened my doors in February and was beginning to feel revived and hopeful that I could do this!
My husband and I had been "mentally separated" for many months... things had been rocky during my pregnancy with our son and after he was born it progressively got worse. I was barely going through the motions trying get through each day. As the day progressed, my stomach was churning even more and I got the uncanny feeling that this feeling was all too familiar. The thoughts that were running through my head made me tremble in disbelief as I had an overwhelming feeling that although my husband and I had been very distant in the bedroom after the birth of my son, that a day two weeks prior when we had tried to intimately reconnect had perhaps left something to linger. I had a break between clients and I ran to the drugstore. I had tears in my eyes as I grabbed the test off the shelf and walked to the counter with fate in my hand.
I went back to my studio with just enough time to do the test and see the results and the test came back positive, I was pregnant. I went completely numb and don't recall anything else that day except the moment my husband looked at my pale face when I got home that night. He asked me what was wrong and I presume I blurted it out, I really don't remember. I was devastated and he was elated. WHAT? I thought? How could you be happy, and he thought how could you not? Our minds in that moment were world's apart just as they were on many other issues.
Over the next few months I felt that living as I was living would be my life forever... a mother of 4 in a marriage that I would either accept or simply continue wanting to escape from ; both sounded negative to me. However it was where I had ended up with the choices I had made and it was my job to live with it, like it or not. I subconsciously rejected the pregnancy; I was simply a vessel with cargo doing my daily duty of carrying the load... this is painful to recall as I look back. Then one day... all of that changed. When I was 5 months pregnant I found out my daughter would be born with Down syndrome. What seemingly could have been news that would devastate me even further, ironically gave me an overwhelming feeling of relief that this was not what I had thought at all. I thought that this pregnancy was a curse... a punishment that would keep me in the unhappy life I was in, but getting the news that she would have Down syndrome instantly made me realize I had been chosen to have this child.... she was a blessing in disguise and although I had no idea how this would all play out, I TRUSTED and BELIEVED in the plan for my future. That day, I rubbed my belly with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye speaking to my baby girl for the very first time... "We are going to be okay, and I know this now."
Now every April Fool's day as everyone else is playing silly jokes and fooling people with crazy antics, I smile and get a warm feeling remembering the April Fool's day that my "joke" was NO JOKE... it was in fact the biggest blessing of my life!
My husband and I had been "mentally separated" for many months... things had been rocky during my pregnancy with our son and after he was born it progressively got worse. I was barely going through the motions trying get through each day. As the day progressed, my stomach was churning even more and I got the uncanny feeling that this feeling was all too familiar. The thoughts that were running through my head made me tremble in disbelief as I had an overwhelming feeling that although my husband and I had been very distant in the bedroom after the birth of my son, that a day two weeks prior when we had tried to intimately reconnect had perhaps left something to linger. I had a break between clients and I ran to the drugstore. I had tears in my eyes as I grabbed the test off the shelf and walked to the counter with fate in my hand.
I went back to my studio with just enough time to do the test and see the results and the test came back positive, I was pregnant. I went completely numb and don't recall anything else that day except the moment my husband looked at my pale face when I got home that night. He asked me what was wrong and I presume I blurted it out, I really don't remember. I was devastated and he was elated. WHAT? I thought? How could you be happy, and he thought how could you not? Our minds in that moment were world's apart just as they were on many other issues.
Over the next few months I felt that living as I was living would be my life forever... a mother of 4 in a marriage that I would either accept or simply continue wanting to escape from ; both sounded negative to me. However it was where I had ended up with the choices I had made and it was my job to live with it, like it or not. I subconsciously rejected the pregnancy; I was simply a vessel with cargo doing my daily duty of carrying the load... this is painful to recall as I look back. Then one day... all of that changed. When I was 5 months pregnant I found out my daughter would be born with Down syndrome. What seemingly could have been news that would devastate me even further, ironically gave me an overwhelming feeling of relief that this was not what I had thought at all. I thought that this pregnancy was a curse... a punishment that would keep me in the unhappy life I was in, but getting the news that she would have Down syndrome instantly made me realize I had been chosen to have this child.... she was a blessing in disguise and although I had no idea how this would all play out, I TRUSTED and BELIEVED in the plan for my future. That day, I rubbed my belly with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye speaking to my baby girl for the very first time... "We are going to be okay, and I know this now."
Now every April Fool's day as everyone else is playing silly jokes and fooling people with crazy antics, I smile and get a warm feeling remembering the April Fool's day that my "joke" was NO JOKE... it was in fact the biggest blessing of my life!
Today's moral of the story is that even though you may not know the plan that is ahead of you, just know that EVERYTHING is part of the plan.
xoxo
~Shells~
(As always... if you love it...share it!)
(As always... if you love it...share it!)
This hangs on a wall in my house... I have stuff like this ALL over the place. I highly recommend daily reminders like this in plain view all over your home and office in order to stay positive.
It will surprise you how your kids pick up on it too!
Oh... and not being a salesman; it's not my style,...fact is that if you want to hear the rest of this story you can find it in my memoir by clicking here:
"I Need the Happy Ending"
"I Need the Happy Ending"
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